We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
