I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
