I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
