U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
