also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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