theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I have feelings that need drinking.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
