Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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