i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
