Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
