Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
