The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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