need another drink. this is the easiest way
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
