This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
