i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
