I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
