dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
We're too hungover to prance.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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