WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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