Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
