dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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