he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
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