I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
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