Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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