We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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