My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
