I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
