I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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