just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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