I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
