Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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