He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
