alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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