I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
