just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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