she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
