I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
