youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
