Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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