One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
