Please, let me fuck your mom
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
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