no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
