Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
