I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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