genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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