It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
