I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize