Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
