i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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