my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize