this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize