I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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