please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
