i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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