WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
