This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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