On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
