Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
