Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
