And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
