did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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