Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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